Naughty Video Games from the Past

      Andrew Newton examines a collection of risqué video games from the past…

      In February, I mentioned we would delve into the unsavory side of video games on old home computers. As promised, after extensive research (ahem!), and some curious glances from my wife, I’m excited to present five cheeky games from yesteryear.

      It’s important to note that, despite their titles, many of these games surpass mere ‘naughtiness’ and venture into the realm of the obscene. Feel free to search for them on emulator sites, but consider this a fair warning. Also, it’s no surprise that we won't be including any (excessively) risqué images; there are plenty of other sites for that kind of content.

      **Maria’s Christmas Box – Anco 1988 – Amiga/Atari ST/Commodore 64/ZX Spectrum**

      The Spectrum didn’t do poor Maria any favors.

      At the time, most risqué games revolved around strip poker with grainy photo visuals. Some were so poorly digitized that they became more comical than titillating; the ZX Spectrum version certainly did Maria no favors. Maria's Christmas Box (henceforth referred to as MCB) features the former glamour model slowly disrobing to reveal her assets after players win a set number of poker games. Unfortunately, 8-bit gamers would have been disappointed by the blocky, unrealistic graphics on their screens, while 16-bit gamers had a slightly better experience.

      Maria is fondly remembered not just for her glamour modeling or Christmas Box, but for her covers on the games Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior and Barbarian II: The Dungeon of Drax, where she appears alongside ’90s Gladiators star Wolf, played by Michael Van Wijk.

      **Brad Stallion in Sex Olympics – Free Spirit Software 1991 – Amiga/Atari ST**

      Pricilla… Queen of the Desert?

      This game was discreetly passed around playgrounds, avoided when teachers were present, and definitely not played in front of parents. Sex Olympics is a point-and-click adventure where players step into the shoes of the valiant Brad Stallion, who must win the titular Olympics to thwart the humorously named Dr. Dildo from expanding his world domination plans. Players navigate nine different planets, collecting items and issuing commands like ‘Kiss’, ‘Screw’, and ‘Jack off’ to try to engage with more women than Dr. Dildo.

      There were plenty of nude images for players to ogle, though all were poorly digitized and set against backgrounds that looked childlike.

      I can't recall what I did on the planet Ramewe, but it wasn't what you might expect.

      There were several entries in the Brad Stallion series, all geared towards an adult audience, and none were particularly good. As far as I can tell, no UK magazines reviewed Sex Olympics, with only two German publications taking notice: one gave it a generous 21%, while the other rated it 6%.

      **Bomb’X – Mediagogo 1993 – Amiga/ Atari ST/ DOS**

      This top-down puzzler brings the naughtiness to a cartoonish level, with players controlling little comic phalluses that bounce about on tiny testicles. Gamers must scuttle around the screen collecting various sex-themed items so their phallus can engage with the lady in bed positioned in the center.

      The maze is filled with destructible blocks that the phallus can eliminate by firing a white substance (we can only guess what that is). This shooting action is also used against monsters (a variety of viruses and bacteria) that threaten to make our cheerful phallus go limp. Helpful items include condoms that provide protection against viral hits and jockey shorts for speed. Once enough items are collected, the lady in bed sheds her blankets, waiting for players to remove a condom and make their approach.

      Don’t ask about the viruses represented by those teeth and eyes.

      There are 50 levels to navigate, along with a mini-game featuring digitized images of women. Despite the crude visuals, the game has a fun concept and perhaps ranks as the only title here you might spend more than five minutes playing.

      **Emmanuelle – Tomahawk 1989 – Amiga/Atari ST**

      What kind of question is that for someone expected to charm half of Rio?

      Inspired by the semi-autobiographical book of the same name, this point-and-click game places players in the role of Marc, Emmanuelle’s former lover. After Emmanuelle ditches Marc to go to Rio de Janeiro, he follows her in the hopes of winning her back.

      To seduce Emmanuelle, players must boost their ‘erotic attractiveness level’ by charming other women and finding three erotic statuettes. Once accomplished, they can seek out Emmanuelle and attempt