Film Review – If I Had Legs I’d Kick You (2025)

      **If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, 2025.**

      Written and Directed by Mary Bronstein.

      Starring: Rose Byrne, Delaney Quinn, Mary Bronstein, A$AP Rocky, Ivy Wolk, Mark Stolzenberg, Conan O’Brien, Manu Narayan, Danielle Macdonald, Eva Kornet, Ella Beatty, Helen Hong, Daniel Zolghadri, Josh Pais, Ronald Bronstein, Laurence Blum, Lark White, Amy Judd Lieberman, Char Sidney, Jodi Michelle Pynn, and Christian Slater.

      **SYNOPSIS:**

      As her life falls apart, Linda struggles to cope with her child’s unexplained illness, her distant husband, a missing person, and an increasingly strained relationship with her therapist. For Linda, portrayed by Rose Byrne, the sky is falling both figuratively and literally. She has a young daughter dealing with an unspecified eating disorder requiring a feeding tube, which creates an opening in her stomach until she gains enough weight to have it removed, at which point the opening will close. Moreover, in a jarring shock more intense than many modern horror films, Linda’s ceiling has collapsed, leaving a large hole in her apartment.

      This is just a fraction of Linda's troubles in Mary Bronstein’s film, *If I Had Legs I’d Kick You*, where misfortunes persist over several months, all tightly edited by Lucian Johnston to create a sense of timelessness, depicting life as a series of uphill battles with a new challenge waiting after each summit. The closest Linda comes to a moment of relief occurs early in the film when she tries to savor a slice of pizza, butchered after being dropped on the sidewalk—a clear indication that everything is going awry. A close-up captures her face in mid-bite, finding a sliver of joy for a mere two seconds before her daughter (simply credited as Child and skillfully portrayed by Delaney Quinn) calls out from another room.

      Another significant aspect of how Linda’s daughter is portrayed is through her disembodied voice. While there are instances where a limb or piece of clothing appears in the background or as Linda tucks her in while adjusting her feeding tube, the film aims to depict parenting as a constant stream of vocal demands—highlighting the endless nature of the job. This realization leads Linda to question her suitability for motherhood. This approach cleverly avoids presenting a dangerously ill child from a manipulative angle, remaining anchored in Linda's perspective to emphasize the heavy burdens she bears as both a woman and a mother—perfectly highlighted by Rose Byrne's remarkable performance that conveys a wide range of emotions.

      It’s important to note that Linda, as a psychotherapist, also has to manage the issues of other patients while barely keeping herself together. The film provides a distinctively nuanced take on therapy, showcasing at least one of Linda's patients as seemingly upbeat yet ultimately wasting time in sessions. Then there’s Caroline (Danielle Macdonald), a mother so fixated on safeguarding her daughter that she’s paralyzed with fear at the thought of leaving her with a babysitter, consumed by true crime stories that fuel her anxiety over potential dangers.

      Despite Linda’s efforts to guide Caroline toward more rational thoughts, there’s an intriguing parallel here, as Linda later finds herself drawn to the same true crime content, demonstrating that worrying about worst-case scenarios is also part of motherhood. With her belittling husband away on a work trip—watching sports while wrongly accusing her of living a life of leisure and attending to “whiny” patients—Linda and her child find refuge in a nearby motel. These nighttime scenes reveal that Linda isn’t exactly the ideal mother, but this imperfection is acceptable, as the film’s focus is on the chaotic and relentless stress inherent in parenting. However, Linda struggles with alcohol, which threatens to escalate into substance abuse as she forms a friendship with a cashier named James (A$AP Rocky).

      Perhaps the most striking element is that Linda, the psychoanalyst, has her own psychoanalyst, an unnamed colleague portrayed by Conan O’Brien. In this role, he steps away from comedy, although much of the ensuing drama has a nervous comedic edge stemming from the cascade of misfortunes faced by Linda. This situation adds complexity to the already intricate therapist-patient dynamic, further complicated by Linda’s reluctance to accept the guidance she offers her patients.

      The film suggests that therapy may not be beneficial if one isn’t willing to confront their own issues first. Conan O’Brien’s therapist might possess insightful advice, but Linda, believing herself a failure, feels responsible for everything—her daughter’s illness included—making it tough for her to implement any guidance. The lack of empathy from her unsupportive husband amplifies her struggles. Ultimately, Linda needs to find a way to care for herself before she can adequately support her daughter. Beneath the frantic energy and tension, this film, while not every ambitious