The Dating Game: A Generation 'Without Love' Drives China's Declining Birthrate

      The impressive new Sundance documentary The Dating Game poses a question that is both humorous and poignant: Can the strategies of pickup artists revitalize a nation's birthrate?

      Directed by Violet Du Feng, the film delves into China’s dating crisis, a situation where, due to the previous one-child policy, there are 30 million more men than women. This disparity forces young working-class men to scramble to impress the limited number of available women, often resorting to tactics and deceptions that one character describes as “greasy.”

      The documentary features Hao, one of China’s top dating coaches, who provides guidance to three bachelors—Zhou, Li, and Wu—on how to win over women. In addition to dressing them like K-Pop idols, he teaches strategies such as the "push-pull" technique, where a man offers both compliments and insults to provoke a woman’s desire for his approval. An example of a push-pull comment might be, “You are very pretty for someone with your head shape.”

      Hao advises cutting off text conversations just as they become meaningful to gauge the woman's reaction, enhancing the bachelor’s air of mystery and perceived appeal.

      These methods may resonate with those familiar with Neil Strauss’ captivating book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, in which Strauss, who describes himself as average-looking, attracts attractive women using strategies like "negging" (similar to "push-pull") and engaging with a new group while ignoring the most desirable woman to spark her curiosity.

      The Dating Game captivates on multiple levels. There is an inherent awkwardness and tension in dating, with the stakes particularly high here: the film connects the dating crisis to the consequences of China's one-child policy on its declining birthrate.

      From 1979 to 2015, China restricted families to one child, leading to a strong preference for sons, resulting in many daughters being abandoned or put up for adoption. One poignant moment features a bachelor recalling the disturbing sight of abandoned baby girls during his childhood.

      Moreover, many parents migrated to cities for work, leaving their children in impoverished rural areas to be raised by grandparents.

      A bachelor poetically observes, “This whole generation grew up without love.”

      There is a shared belief among many lonely bachelors, both in China and the U.S., that women are attracted to ‘bad boys.’ Some men feel that their overly nice demeanor makes them unappealing and mourn their placement in the "friend zone." Lacking genuine self-confidence, they overcompensate with feigned bravado and manipulative tactics.

      Without generalizing excessively, The Dating Game effectively portrays the ongoing discussion about women’s preferences through personal stories. Hao’s highest accomplishment, having grown up in a poor rural village, was marrying his wife, Wen, a stylish and well-educated urban woman. She stands as evidence that his methods are effective.

      However, there’s a twist: Wen claims she married him despite his pickup-artist strategies, not because of them. She provides a rational perspective, using the term "greasy" to critique his methods. Wen emphasizes that she saw through his tactics and clearly states that his controlling behaviors are detrimental to their marriage.

      In a delightful turn, Wen is also a dating coach who advocates for honest communication rather than games.

      The film also explores both traditional and modern attempts to kickstart marriage and family life: elderly individuals gather in public parks each weekend to matchmake for their children, while some women have chosen to withdraw from searching for a genuine partner.

      In a brief segment that could nearly form an entirely separate documentary, The Dating Game features a woman who has selected a virtual boyfriend—he lacks financial resources and physical presence but resembles K-Pop stars and always says the right things.

      This part of the film feels especially relevant in the current age of DeepSeek, and it highlights that virtual relationships are not unique to China. (For further reading, see the excellent New York Times article “She Is In Love With ChatGPT.”) Additionally, the new Hollywood sci-fi thriller Companion tells the story of a young man (Jack Quaid) who takes his robot girlfriend (Sophie Thatcher) on a weekend escape.

      It raises the question of whether there is any hope for humanity. If there is, does it lie in push-pull strategies or in more traditional approaches like long beach walks?

      The Dating Game is currently being screened at Sundance.

      Main image: A still from The Dating Game by Violet Du Feng, an official selection of the 2025 Sundance Film Festival. Courtesy of Sundance Institute. Photo by Wei Gao.